Closing time. It was nearly two in the morning after an evening at my favorite dart bar. Great food, great drinks, and I left with $20 more than I came with.
I zipped my leather and walked out the door, to my waiting motorcycle.
The motor started, helmet on, gloves on. It’s immediately warm in the helmet, so I open the visor. I start the 25-minute ride home with my visor opened just a bit to keep cool air on my face. The fall night air is crisp on my body at 65 miles per hour, yet my head is steaming with the visor closed over.
I never thought to ask myself why I was sweating in my helmet at 2 am on a 50-degree night.
I fully open my visor, unzip my leather, and grab the sunglasses that were needed when I first got to the bar. In two swift motions, the glasses are on and the leather is zipped with the riding glove tucked inside. It never occurred to me that this was muscle memory.
I was just that good, it’s not like I’m used to this, I’m not an alcoholic.
I had slowed down as I did all of this and at 45mph the motorcycle didn’t want to stay straight. There was weaving involved. I knew I had to keep my speed up to stay up, so I did just that. 20 minutes more and I’ll be at my exit. That’ll be enough time. Except it wasn’t.
I had to keep riding towards the city.
I looked for traffic I could catch up to, there was no point in sticking out. I knew if I got too close to downtown there was a very good chance that the city’s finest would at least see me, more likely I would have my bike impounded, and be arrested for DUI like an alcoholic!
Can’t have that.
I turned around at one of the last exits before the city proper. I wasn’t 100% confident about getting off there yet I remember weighing that against the fact that there was a major hospital a block away.
Home without incident, what did I learn from my brush with an alcohol-infused death? I didn’t. I was 25 and still quite immortal.
Starting too early, ending too late.
I remember my first hard liquor well. My friend and I walked one street over, to a house where two girls we liked were babysitting. The scotch was nasty, but the tequila was smooth. It was August, school was starting in a few weeks, and we would finally be in high school!
I was 13.
Here I am, over 40 years later, writing about quitting. Why did it take so long? I’ve walked away from toxic people and toxic substances before, why is alcohol so hard to quit? It turns out my alcohol abuse stemmed from much more than family history or genetics, my beliefs and mindsets had become obstacles to my recovery.
I believed that alcohol abuse was genetic and therefore inherited (I did not understand the difference at the time.) What was the point of trying to quit when it will never stick? I had heard so often “If you have the gene, you’re an alcoholic. Period.” I cannot stress enough the negative impact that incorrect concept had on me. Guess what?
There is no gene for alcohol dependency.
A paper by Howard J. Edenberg and Tatiana Foroud in PubMed Central¹ states “It should be emphasized that while genetic differences affect risk, there is no ‘gene for alcoholism,’ and both environmental and social factors weigh heavily on the outcome.”
This was earth-shattering to me.
In my mind, alcoholism was something I inherited through my genes, as such it was never going away. There was no point in trying to quit if it would always fail. I realize now that this was because I had left the zone of grey drinking and entered the throes of dependency, I had stopped believing in my ability to quit. I just accepted that I would die as an alcoholic.
Can’t have that.
Learning About Deep Learning
I came across an article in my quest to get healthy titled “Why addiction isn’t a disease but instead the result of ‘deep learning.’²
In oversimplified terms, I compare deep learning to muscle memory. Riding a bike is deep learning, you don’t forget how. It is also muscle memory, though your muscles may scream about it if you haven’t used them for a while. Deep learning comes in part from repeated experience as well as the environment in which those experiences occur. These two were my greatest obstacles.
When I was younger I stopped and started drinking any time I wanted. I was in a good place in life and therefore in control. However, every time that I started drinking again after quitting it incorrectly reinforced in me, via repetitive deep learning, the notion that I would always be able to stop and start at will.
That is true until it’s false and by then it’s too late.
My environment began taking unexpected and unrelated emotional and professional blows. As a result, my confidence was taking huge hits. I was barely keeping it together as my personal life shattered. I felt I was losing control so I turned to the one thing ‘I knew’ I could control.
Game over.
I had an alcohol use disorder and didn’t know it. AUD relies on its chameleon ability, appearing voluntary and controllable. By the time you believe you may have a drinking problem it’s already a part of you.
Obstacle mirages, clear truths, and firm decisions.
I came across the Take a Break podcast by Rachel Hart, specifically episode #138, Obstacle Mirages³. She defines this as “simply an obstacle that your brain believes is standing in your way, it’s blocking success, and you will swear up and down that the obstacle is real and it’s holding you back. But in reality, that obstacle isn’t there. It isn’t blocking your way at all. It is simply a mirage.”
This made perfect sense to me. I had heard a few years back that there was no specific gene, yet I did not bother to learn more. At some level, I didn’t want to. I was far too embedded in my melancholy and misery, firmly ensconced within my AUD.
That one podcast was what I needed to recognize my mirages and find myself again.
It was the missing piece needed to make sense of my world. I stopped listening to my excuses and justifications. They weren’t real anymore, they were my past and I was quite done with them. People who live in the past have no future, I intend to have a future.
I used this mindset to restore my belief in the ability to control my actions, validate my existence over the obstacle mirages in my life, and empower myself to walk away from the toxicity that my life had become.
I opened my eyes, and it was a beautiful thing.
This I CAN have.
Quitting is not simple, even with the best of support. You’re going to feel like you have failed, frequently. You’re not failing, you’re finding out what isn’t working for you. Hold on to your small wins, and find ways to add to them until your mirages become clear. It’s a lot easier to work through this with a clear head.
Most importantly, find something to keep your mind occupied. I found writing, find your sober self, the one that brings about a sincere inward smile, and work towards that lifestyle. Change your habits, revisit your excuses and justifications, and throw out your mirages.
Remember, when we’re talking about dependency, close is an illusion.
Philip Writes is reader-supported. If you find value in this article please Support the Pen™.
And as always, thank you for taking the time to read.
Philip
Other works by this author:
The Motion Of Life. Breathe in, breathe out, repeat.
Life’s Flight. As life is lost, meaning is found.
References
1> Edenberg, H. J., & Foroud, T. (2013). Genetics and alcoholism. Nature Reviews. Gastroenterology & Hepatology, 10(8), 487. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrgastro.2013.86
2> Why addiction isn’t a disease but instead the result of deep learning University of New South Wales (UNSW), National Drug and Alcohol Research Centre (NDARC)
3> Rachel Hart Coaching https://rachelhart.com/obstacle-mirages/
Rabbit Holes
Publications, podcasts, and articles because there is more than one path.
Is Alcoholics Anonymous selling a lie? Is alcohol dependency a form of slavery? Explore these questions with John Street, a professor of biblical counseling at The Master’s University and Seminary in “Enslaved: A Theology of Addiction.”
A brief on the mortality rates worldwide from alcohol abuse from the World Health Organization. “Harmful use of alcohol kills more than 3 million people each year, most of them men.”
Is AUD Genetic? Hereditary? Can you be born with it? “Genetics and Alcoholism: Is Alcoholism Genetic or Hereditary?” American Addiction Centers
Making sober less shameful / Clare Pooley — TEDx Newnham
Gray Area Drinking — Jolene Park — TEDx CrestmoorParkWomen
Sobriety Rocks — Who Knew! / Janey Lee Grace / TEDx NorwichED
“If it feels impossible it’s because nobody taught you how.” — Rachel Hart